Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
