ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
