Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
