i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
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