I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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