You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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