someone threw a dead crab at me
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
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