Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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