then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Randomize
