Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
