If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize