I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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