I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
PANTIES FOUND
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
