You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Randomize
