I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize
