I'm jealous of your bromance
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Watching her eat just hurts me
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Randomize
