Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize