well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize