Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
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