he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
