I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize