My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
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