I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
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