my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
