I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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