Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
