Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize