So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Randomize
