Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
