Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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