Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
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