Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
