Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
