Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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