Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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