I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Randomize
