you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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