just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
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