Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
