well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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