I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
