my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
