i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
