Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize