I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
