Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Randomize
