Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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