covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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