I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
