Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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