Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize