I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
we made out on top of his cat.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
