Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
