You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
