Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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