Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
