woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
