i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Randomize
