onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
what day is it and did you see me today?
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
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