4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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